I became a mum at 22, it wasn’t long after coming out of a psychiatric unit and I was adjusting to that let alone being a parent. Being mum makes me lonely and afraid at times. I had nobody to ask is this normal too, or is that OK It was just me and whatever books I could find to read.
With my second child I had my mum to ask things and it was brilliant. My mums had four children so in my mind had the experience I craved. By the third I felt more confident.
Twelve years later I have five children. I am still a stay at home mum and it’s by choice now.
I walked out of school with 11 grades; I had a city and guilds diploma in English language and one in literature. I have an intermediate and advanced NVQ in health and social care. I considered myself quite lucky in that sense. But they were all for nothing. I didn’t do anything with them.
Being mum makes me lonely, I often feel lonely, completely and totally, a self-imposed loneliness. People scare me and my feelings frighten me so I stay away from anyone or anything that could cause me to hurt.
In our old school my children were popular and I had a “playground posse” who I saw every day. We would go each other’s houses for coffee, but I had row with one and like the childhood playground once one was turned against me, the others followed suit.
It really hurt me. I had to stand in silence getting evil looks, grown women talking about me, one tripping me up. It made me tearful. Other mums wouldn’t talk to me in association and I was glad in the end to leave there.
When the children started their new school I made a choice to try and put myself out there. To at least try and make some friends and I tried talking to mums but they all had their groups and would barely look at me.
That was three years ago and that’s when I made my decision to not do it again. Every day I stand alone. Nobody has spoken to me in all that time.
I am the only mother to have 5 children in the school. Some regard me as scary as I have so many, some are in awe. The head teacher apparently is asking about me a lot. I hate standing alone; being mum makes me lonely and I feel so out of place.
You would think with five it’s a badge of respect but no. I thought becoming a mum would be amazing but it’s not always that way.
I’m too scared of rejection again to try and talk to anyone.
Everyone leaves me or lets me down.
Being on Emma’s Facebook group is the ONLY contact I have with people on a day to day basis. I don’t see anyone; I don’t talk to anyone, just my own company.
When I talk to people on the group I am guarded. I want to trust certain people and express things but I can’t. What if they hurt me too? What if I’m rejected? I wish I had been on the group years ago when I was first a mum, so I didn’t doubt myself as much as I did.
The doubt stays with me. I don’t think I’m good enough to be like normal people, other mums. I see all my faults and they don’t seem to have any and I feel flawed.
I sit in my house wishing I could take my two year old to playgroup, or walk up to a mum in school just in case she will talk to me and not feel like I’m failing my kids, my life and me.
This inspirational post was written anonymously and submitted to the blog. I have full permission to share this story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.